Stop Yelling at Your Kids in Three Easy Steps
I get it. Yelling feels involuntary. You’re pushed and pushed to your brink until you finally explode. I’ve been there – we all have. But I’m here to tell you that your kids don’t make you yell—your triggers do. In this blog post, we’ll explore exactly how to stop yelling at your kids and become a more calm, confident, and effective parent. Let’s get started.
Step One: Reflect on Your Upbringing
Once we begin to understand that our reactions are caused by our triggers (and not our kids), we can start to dive deeper into self-discovery. Daily stresses and exhaustion can make our fuses shorter and bring these triggers to the forefront sooner, but they do not cause the outburst. Reflecting on our upbringing is a powerful tool in helping us understand how our past has shaped us and provides insights into who we are as parents. We uncover the patterns, values, and experiences that have defined us, allowing us to make conscious choices about the type of parents we want to be and the values we wish to instill in our children.
For example, if you were raised to stifle your emotions, you will likely feel triggered when your children expresses their emotions. This triggers causes you to react – not your child’s emotions. Once you recognize this, you can choose whether you’d like to instill this same value in your children, or break the cycle and allow emotional expression.
Step Two: Self Regulation
Once you’ve identified your triggers, you will be able to tune into them more easily. You’ll start to notice, or even predict when you are going to feel triggered and react negatively. Then, you can turn to self-regulation to diffuse your emotions before you let them go on your kids. This can look different for everyone. You may find mindfulness practices or deep-breathing exercises can help you stay calm in the face of challenging behaviors. These techniques allow you to pause, assess the situation, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively with anger.
You can also plan ahead to simplify your most triggering moments. For example, perhaps making dinner is especially stressful (it is for me!). Instead of waiting for the inevitable triggers to cause your outburst, instead plan ahead. Have a quiet activity set up for your kids, turn on the TV, or ask your partner to take on the kids while you focus on dinner.
Step Three: Have Effective Parenting Phrases Ready
When you have effective, respectful phrases at the ready – phrases you are able to pull out naturally even in your most tense moments – you will learn to turn to those phrases instead of to your reactive yelling. Replace harsh words with phrases that promote communication and problem-solving.
Start from a place of empathy whenever you speak to your children. Remember, their behaviors and words are not to give you a head time, but because they are having a hard time. As the adult in the relationship, it is your job to manage yourself – your child has not learned to do so yet. By simply modeling self regulation, you are teaching this invaluable skill to your child along the way.
My Favorite Phrases to Use in Triggering Moments:
“Thank You For Telling Me”
I use this phrase a thousand times a day. It’s perfect when you’re at your limit, because it’s easy to use and works in nearly all situations. It makes your child feel heard with minimal effort.
Example:
Child: “I’m hungry!”
Parent: “Thank you for telling me.”
“I hear you.”
Here’s another easy one to pull out with the added bonus of being a great tantrum diffuser. Your child will feel validated and heard, causing their meltdown to end more quickly.
Example:
Parent: “I hear you. You wish you could have a snack before dinner.”
“Please make a different choice.”
This is a respectful way to communicate that a behavior is unwelcome, while also providing an opportunity for the child to take responsibility and find solutions.
Example:
Parent: “That is really distracting me while I make dinner. Please make a different choice.”
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Remember, yelling doesn’t define you as a parent, but you can also remove it from your parenting arsenal entirely. By practicing self-regulation and using effective parenting phrases, you can create a more peaceful and loving environment for your family. It’s never too late to change your approach and communicate with your children in a more positive and respectful way. Your efforts will not only improve your relationship with your kids but also teach them valuable lessons in self-control and effective communication.
